My Struggle 我的掙扎

When the doctor told me that the surgery will be performed on August 7^th, I was not very happy about it.  The date was about three weeks earlier than I expected and I had my plans of the things that I want to do.  Of course, I can try to rearrange the dates with my doctor but when I brought this to God, I sensed that He was saying to me that this schedule will actually work better (for the future).   I trust Him.  I do.  However, there go all the early celebrations of my kids’ birthdays and our ten-year wedding anniversary, which will occur within next three months.  My wife and kids will just end up watching me going through the surgery and recovery, and then go back to the States themselves on August 25^th.  I don’t want that.  We spend so much airfare just to be here in Taiwan.  As a father, I want to create fun memories before they leave, not watching me suffering in pain.  I feel so robbed.

醫生告訴我8月7號要開刀的時候，我不是很高興，這比我預期的提早了三個星期，我原來和妻子孩子做了一些計劃，雖然，我可以和醫生爭取換時間，但是當我把此事帶到 神的面前時，感到祂告訴我其實早點開刀（對往後）比較好。我相信祂，我真的相信。只是孩子們生日和結婚十周年都是正好接下來的這三個月，所有我們預備提前慶祝的計劃和給孩子的承諾就都沒了。而且他們正好將在8月25日回美國，走之前將看到手術剛完、康復中、那個傷口痛的爸爸，我不想他們留下這樣的回憶。我們花了這麼貴的機票錢回台灣，實在想留下歡樂美好的回憶，覺得好像被搶劫了。

I have this unwillingness inside of me and want to do a few things my way.  This lesson begins with not eating or drinking the things I want.  That is okay.  I can deal with four dishes of quickly boiled veggies every meal.  Because “Your love is better than wine”, I can change my diet drastically.  Then I watch all my friends serving on the stage and having great ministry reports while I sit on my toilet seat and struggle with my hardened stool.  That is okay.  It is the size of my heart that matters, rather than the size of my ministry.  And now, I am about to be separated with my wife and my kids for a few months and I don’t get to do things with them and for them the way that I want.  That’s the button that gets me.  But I know, like it or not, I will have to let it go, too.  Actually, no matter what I do with them, it will never seem enough.  I will still miss them tremendously.

内心有股不願意，很想按自己的方法做事情。這次的功課，一開始是改變飲食習慣，不能吃喝自己想吃喝的東西，沒有關係，我可以每一餐面對四盤清燙的蔬菜，反正“你的愛情比酒更美”。然後是看到我的朋友們在講台上服事，非常美好的成果，而我坐在馬桶上，和蠻硬的便便苦戰，沒有關係，重要的是我愛神的心的大小，而不是我事工的大小。現在，我馬上要和我妻子孩子分別幾個月，而我無法選擇我想要和他們，為他們做的事情，這真的踫到我脆弱的地方。我知道無論我喜不喜歡，最後我還是要學習放手，而且，不管我為他們做了多少事情，我永遠還是會覺得不夠，還是會非常想念他們。

When I was in the seminary and read about Jesus being fully God and fully man, I used to think how cool it is that Jesus could contain all his divine power and use them only according to God’s will.  Now I know that radical obedience is not just something cool, but something extremely challenging and difficult.  I am sure that Jesus obeyed the cross with much joy, too, not with His teeth grinding (Heb 12: 1, 2).  What I am praying for is that joy of obeying Him.  Like it or not, I have to obey Him anyway.  However, if I obey Him with joy because I believe in Him and know His love, then I truly overcome and there is the true freedom. 

在神學院的時候，我讀到耶穌是完全的神，又是完全的人，祂雖然有神的所有能力，但是祂只按照 神的旨意來行，不隨便使用祂的能力，我以前覺得這好酷哦，現在發現其實毫不保留的順服，其實不是酷，而是裏面很多很多的挑戰和掙扎。耶穌面對十字架的挑戰和掙扎，我相信祂在客西馬尼園交託了之後，仍充滿了喜樂，而不是咬牙切齒的（來12: 1，2）。我所求的，就是這順服的喜樂，反正喜歡或不喜歡，都要順服，但是若我因為相信祂，認識祂，而喜樂地順服，那麼我就真的得勝了，在那裏，會找到真正的自由。