Martha Trapped in the Body of Mary

Father, this is not good. My heart is moved by little alterations of life. I become worrisome by a small change of my schedule or a minor car repair. They are no big deal and I know it. Before, I am the most flexible and dependable person. Last minute assignments were my specialty. Now my heart is easily stirred.

I realize that I no longer have the materials or the control over life as I used to. Time is scarce and money is limited. Temper is short and energy is sapped. This fasted lifestyle demands not just sacrifice on food, but a heart bare before You without the clothing of my own strength, wisdom and confidence. I am the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz.

Surrendering my will to You and consciously pursuing a life of total abandonment might sound biblical and doable for a few days but soon there come tests. Do I have the faith to sit before Your feet and not to be occupied with the worries of life? No! I sit before You, with my mind troubled with the things need to be done. Do I enjoy pouring out my alabaster jar and not worrying about my future? No! I give up a few things and calculate what I should do with the rest. Yap, I am a Martha trapped in the body of Mary.

But then You came to me. You dropped these little installments of your glory, these tiny flashes of your beauty. How can I go back to that old life of my own control and material promises again? How can I go to anywhere, knowing that You will not be there as much? You stirred my heart and I have tasted the goodness of Your love.

You have ruined my life with Your love. What am I going to do with my past, my academic degrees and the time and money “wasted” on them? What am I going to say to my family and friends, not knowing who will ever understand this foolishness? Now please pick up the pieces and form it into something beautiful. My heart is tenderized by your love but my faith is weak and my vision is blurred. I am afraid and I can not see!

Then I begin to understand. Your Name is alive and full of power. Your Name is my hiding place. Your Name truly saves. Therefore, I will live for the audience of One and seek only the approval of whom delights in me and gives Himself for me.